Ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

photo by Christa Holka

I hate change.

I’ve stayed in relationships, jobs and cities because I fear breaking my habits - breaking habits is hard, no matter how many books on the subject you read (I’ve read several!).

I lived with toxic flatmates because once I move in, and am fully installed, I really struggle to see myself living in a different place. So I’ll take the dirty dishes, the mental breakdowns and the constant 30 ºC heating.

I’ve carried on in improv teams for years after expiration, because once I start doing all the admin, I really can’t imagine how else I could use that time and be useful to someone (always someone else, never me!).

I have a masters in Biochemistry because once I sat down in that first undergrad class, surrounded by that group of people, in that filled with tradition city, that became so familiar, I couldn’t quite see other possibilities than the one those around me were following.

I find comfort in the predictability of safe repetition.

This year’s first trimestre brought me new jobs, fascists who are making my toxic onlineness even more toxic, and a notice of vacation handed by my landlord. And I’ve only actively pursued one of those.

(NOT THE FASCISTS BTW)

As a creative freelancer, new jobs are always welcome. I have, however, been further from selling my soul to a corporate job, that would pay me good money and allow me some of the joys* in life for which you need cold hard cash.

The fascists have been poking their heads out of their hiding spots for a while, but it still felt, to me, that their take over of the spaces we hang out online came a little out of nowhere

The landlord’s sister needing a place to live and him being a responsible family person buying the flat, as my landlord is moving back to Greece (he has now told me two different stories), did really come out of nowhere. It is forcing a really difficult change, as I love(d) my flat, have a cat who’s really attached to it, and packing is really hard**!

Fascists are everywhere - including here, my research tells me - so I decided that due to the impossibility of being somewhere they’re not, maybe I should just be EVERYWHERE!

So…hi substack!

This is the first of my thoughts I’ll be sharing with you.

Vibes might be scattered, have very different energies, and not regular in time!

Forced change in the past has actually been positive and helped me grow, meet new people, find new skills…so maybe I’ll be thanking my landlord in a few months when I successfully land somewhere else***, and my neighbour is the wealthy philanthropist who’ll fully support my creative aspirations, without asking for anything in return.

I’ll keep the comfort of the predictability of safe repetition reserved for knitting and crocheting!

* travelling, concerts, parties, food and expensive lingerie & toys, I think are all the joys I mean!

** I have huge privileges that mean I have it easier than many to land on my feet - family, friends and some generational wealth - and it’s still such a nightmare to depend on the whims of an essential stranger. Until now I had no complaints about my landlord, but since suddenly springing notice on me, he also decided to ask me at 9am a month before vacation date, if I was ready to move out that day. I was having my morning coffee, which tends to be my sacred silent relaxation moment of the day, and instead had 5 minutes of panicked search for written communications of our agreed vacation date, while trying to convince myself that that proof and the fact that I had at least one more week of paid rent, would mean he wouldn’t be able to actually throw me out, considering I hadn’t even started packing. After proof was sent, I received an ‘oops! yesterday’s long flight might have confused me.’ EVER HEARD OF A FUCKING CALENDAR AND ARRANGING KEY HANDOUT ETC A FEW DAYS IN ADVANCE SINCE LANDLORDING IS YOUR ACTUALLY ONLY JOB!!!???

*** I’m in the period between finding a place, having an initial agreement, but no actual papers signed yet. The feeling of not being sure if it will actually happen, as it might fall through, or it not happening in time for my vacation date is stressful as fuck!

If you read this far and haven’t came across me before, you may be wondering who the fuck I am! I’m a comedian, writer, photographer, tech, facilitator, researcher, podcaster, budding filmmaker, if I ever take time to dedicate myself to it, and a bunch of other words that help me make money. I’m a Portuguese immigrant in London, who will likely pursue dual citizenship soon before they increase the fees again - they just did! I’m interested in cinema, sex, food, queer history, and other histories of us that can help us reflect on our present. This substack will be a smörgåsbord of all of it!

Disclaimer: I may in the future (near or far) add a paywall for older posts, but it was taking me too long - since the start of the year! - to do a thought out planned launch, and I’ve decided to just publish something today, and think of logistics later!

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